Hypothetical History: Prelude to World War II

Somewhere in England, sometime in the 1930s.

"So, what's next on the agenda?"

"Well sir, I thought we might discuss the German situation."

"What about it?"

"Well, it's just that the Germans feel rather poorly treated, sir. I mean, they've had some really tough times."

"Well by Gadfrey, they did start the bloody war last time."

"Yes, sir, I know..."

"I mean, World War I, the big one, the Great War! How exactly should they expect us to treat them? Kiss them on the lips?"

"It's just that the greater British public seem to feel that..."

"That what?"

"That they're right."

"Oh, well that's different. If the people feel bad for them, perhaps we'd better do something to make them feel a little better."

"My thinking exactly, sir."

"So what is it that we can do to make Germany feel better about her situation?"

"Well, there's the Treaty of Versailles."

"Yes, great treaty that."

"They don't seem to feel that way about it."

"Oh?"

"Yes, sir. They seem to feel that it was blatantly unfair."

"What could we do?"

"We could always let them have the part of Germany back that we took away. Everyone in East Prussia, with a few minor exceptions, seems to feel that they would be much happier as Germans than as Poles. Not to mention that fact that it was extremely inept of us to separate a part of Germany from the main section by putting a bit of Poland, the country that everyone hates, with no natural defensible borders, between the two."

"No, no, that won't do at all. We promised Poland."

"To put them in an even worse position?"

"You weren't at the conference."

"Right. Well sir, there's always letting the Germans have back the parts of Lorraine and Alsace we took from them."

"No no, of course not."

"Why not?"

"Well, we like the French better."

"But sir, they're horrible snail-eating wogs."

"Yes, yes, but they asked first."

"Okay, well then how about forgiving some of the horrendous debt that the Germans have had to run up as a result of the massive war reparations we said we weren't going to impose anyway."

"No!"

"Why not?"

"Well, it's money, isn't it?"

"But sir, we won't ever get the money. Truth be told, the last payment we received was in American dollars, not gold."

"What, American money?"

"Yes sir."

"Still money though. Must stand on principle. What else?"

"Well, how about improving diplomatic ties, not making fun of von Ribbentrop so mercilessly at polo games, that sort of thing."

"I remember one time, we put a whoopee cushion on his chair at a state banquet. Even the Queen laughed at that."

"Yes sir, I well remember, but maybe we could be a little more polite?"

"No, won't do. He gave a bally Nazi salute to the King. To the King!"

"Fine sir. Well, there's always those bizarre theories that their spittle-spewing maniac of a dictator is talking about, with the Jews and all. Maybe we could start hating Jews."

"Don't be ridiculous. You know we do that already. And the darkies too, I mean, I'm right with Hitler on the whole 'Master Race' thing."

"Well, then I can't think of anything else we could do."

"Wait a tick, didn't Versailles say something about restricting their military?"

"Yes sir, but that's the only reasonable part. I mean, we went to war to destroy their military because it had become too powerful and they were threatening peace and stability."

"Don't be childish. We went to war because we promised to."

"Who did we promise?"

"Oh, I don't know, one of those little countries somewhere, I can't remember. Maybe it was Burkina Faso."

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"Burkina Faso is still called Upper Volta at this point."

"Right, but it's a funnier name."

"Still, allowing Germany to have a bigger military, under a dictator who has openly advocated military force as an acceptable foreign policy... doesn't that sound a little dangerous?"

"No, of course not. So bigger military it is. In fact, I think the first thing we should do is give them some money to build a few ships, so that we, a power which relies almost exclusively on the might of our navy, can be better protected or something."

"Right sir, I'll fetch the papers for you to sign."