Persecuted

I want to call attention to the United States' government's brutal persecution of me because of my religious beliefs. It is completely unconscionable and should be denounced in the strongest possible terms. If you have congresspeople, you should write them and tell them that they should pass laws respecting my religion. If you don't do that, you should at least make sure that the local authorities don't persecute me by enforcing unjust laws which are only there to make my religion persecuted.

For you see, I am a worshipper of Baal, the dark power that demands constant blood sacrifices. By the light of the full moon, I must drain the lifeblood of a small child, or Baal will return to eat the world. I firmly believe this to be true. So not only am I being persecuted from my religious beliefs, but the US government is actively trying to keep me from propitiating Baal and in that way allowing him to eat the world. I'm not some loony cultist who believes in forced marriage or polygamy; I'm trying to keep the world from being destroyed. So it costs a few children's lives. It's worth it, in my opinion.

Thank goodness we live in a country where there isn't a clause in the Constitution which says that laws cannot be made respecting religion (to be fair, it's in the appendix, rather than in the body, but who needs a Bill of Rights anyway). And thank goodness we live in a country where, "You're persecuting my religion because I do things that are illegal," is an adequate legal defence. Because otherwise, Baal might not receive His blood sacrifice, and then the world might be doomed.

Write the government and tell them to enact laws allowing me and all other Baal-worshippers to do whatever we want, as long as it's a deeply-held religious belief of ours. For that matter, write the government and tell them that the Klan should be allowed to kill black people with impunity (since that's a fairly deeply-held belief of theirs), Nazis should be allowed to eugenically purify our society (can't get any more deeply-held than that), and pretty much every law on the books should be altered to include the words, "unless you believe otherwise." Because our government isn't supposed to restrict our beliefs.

Oh, and by the way, in case you're another thrall of Baal and would like to take offense at my depiction of our shared religion, guess what, you can't, because I have beliefs and you're persecuting me. Everything is right! Everything is permissible!