Hypothetical History: The FDA

(Note that this is really more hypothetical current events than hypothetical history, but I still would have loved to have been in the room when they made this decision.)

The FDA Building, the recent past.

"Okay, so what's next on the agenda?"

"Well, there's the new AIDS drugs..."

"Depressing. Skip it."

"Okay, there's the anti-aging serum..."

"Not until I'm older. Next."

"Then how about sunscreen."

"What about it?"

"Well, there are a lot of people who seem to think we should regulate it more seriously."

"How so?"

"Frankly, at this point sunscreen bottles could say that they cure skin cancer and we wouldn't care."

"So that's bad, huh?"

"People seem to think so."

"Okay, so let's regulate. We should put a warning label on the bottle like we did with cigarettes. That's sure to make people sit up and take notice."

"Now there's an idea."

"And I've heard some things about how there are different types of ultraviolet light. Can we do something with that?"

"Right now SPF, which is basically just a meaningless slogan at this point, measures protection against the burning kind, but no one seems to have any idea about the other kind."

"Well, can we make SPF cover both kinds?"

"You mean say that sunscreen needs to provide equal protection from both kinds of UV? Unfortunately that won't work, because some people seem to want lower protection from certain types of UV, so they can tan."

"So we need two measurements?"

"Yes."

"Well, how about calling them SPFA and SPFB, and giving two numbers?"

"No, that just doesn't sound right."

"Okay, well since everyone knows what SPF means, why don't we invent a new and more confusing system, like bars. Does anyone here have one of those cell phones which has bars? Could we use something like that?"

"Most people do know what SPF is supposed to mean, but since it's basically a ploy on the part of the manufacturer... besides, I don't think we can use bars."

"Then let's just give a percentage for both."

"Too simple."

"I've got it! We'll use two different systems. We'll keep using SPF, since it's basically meaningless, for one system, but we'll also track the other kind of UV with a completely different and confusing system which has no relation to SPF."

"Yes!"

"Now all we have to decide is what little icons we'll use, since we can't use bars."

"Cars?"

"Mars?"

"SARS?"

"Stars?"

"Yes, stars is good. Makes it like a movie. So it's settled, two different and non-compatible system, both with very little hard fact to them, and a warning label. That will solve everyone's problems."

"Let's get Chinese."