People Don't Know What They're Doing

And what a complete truth that statement is. I guess I'm eventually going to get tired of making lists of people with pithy comments and naming them things having something to do with people, as the above title, not to mention the various others. But I haven't yet.

Quentin Tarantino

Frankly, it mostly boggles my mind that everyone at the Cannes Film Festival loves you, but since French people also love Jerry Lewis, I don't know that I should be that surprised. You seem to have made a career of doing pastiche of other people's work which you wish you'd done but which you didn't. And the work you're copying wasn't all that terrific to begin with. Maybe some of it's enjoyable as camp, or something like that (and as I don't really believe in camp as a philosophy, I'm not saying), but it certainly isn't worthy of being called high art. You're a hack. And ugly. My God man, put your face away before you hurt someone.

James Carville

I think hair and a beard would help your looks immensely. You seem to have perfected the art of politics as abrasiveness, or maybe the other way around. In any case, I sometimes agree with you, but I usually hate myself just a little bit because of it. Are you sure that you and Quentin weren't separated at birth? I mean, I'm not the playboy of the Western world or anything, but occasionally people are just too ugly to ignore. Tarantino has hair and I've seen him with a beard if he doesn't have one now. It didn't help him, but at least he tried. You, Jim, have removed any doubt as to your ugliness by removing any concealment it might once have had.

Raymond Burr

That smile of yours... if I were a woman, I think it would melt me. I'm not a woman, but even I feel a tingle. I have no other comment, but since I was catty about everyone else's looks in this particular list, I guess I needed to address yours.

Bill Clinton

I've never met you in person, so I don't know whether what they say about your legendary charisma is true. You're not bad-looking, sure, but you don't have a smile that might conceivably melt me were I of the opposite sex. I have made a devout oath at a high altar in the Himalayas that I will not discuss politics in these little lists, reserving them for more vapid matters (and boy am I succeeding so far, huh), so I'll just say that you don't film as well as Mr. Burr. Maybe if you dropped a little of the Good Ol' Boy persona, you could approach things more Burr-esque-ly. Wow, that's really not a word.

France

What the hell happened? I mean, you used to be huge in film. Then, all of a sudden, you're just as bad as the rest of us. And Tarantino? Come on, even you can do better.

Wacko Terrorist Fundamentalists

I don't believe in killing people for any reason, so you're pretty much not ever going to be high on my list. But if you just wanted to complain loudly about the depravity of Western Culture, I would offer to make signs proclaiming your opposition to Quentin Tarantino. But you'd probably use them to bash people over the head or something. It's really all you've got in your bag of tricks, isn't it? Try writing letters to the editor next time, but please get someone to translate them who has at least a passing knowledge of the language. The anthrax letters sounded like they'd been written by Third Graders.

Wow, Quentin T. sure took it in the shorts from me for that one. But then what I really wanted to do was write a whole article bashing him and I chickened out.

If the FBI is reading this, I did not offer to materially support terrorists. I offered to help them renounce violence. Please don't arrest me.