People Need Less Publicity

Lists are easy to write. Well, easier. Actually, not that easy. I can't really think of anything to list.

Lindsay Lohan

I don't know what the world ever saw in you, frankly.

Paris Hilton

You really do have a lazy eye. And a lazy brain to match. I hope you just get your money and go away. It's not much to ask, really.

Nicole Ritchie

I had no idea your father was Lionel. You don't look like him at all. Other than that, I don't know anything about you that I'm sure the tabloids haven't already covered, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Oprah Winfrey

You are a two-bit hack. I guess you do some good in the world, but your show is terrible schlock masquerading as meaningful message. That's pretty bad. It's too bad you don't have the guts to admit what you actually are, which is a sensationalist talk-show.

Dr. Phil

You claim to be doing good in the world, but I doubt it. You're a voyeur and an enabler, and psychiatry is not televised material. Since your show isn't even psychiatry, it's even worse. People don't watch your show to have their awareness raised about mental illness or social problems, they watch because we'll watch anything that involves other people. I wish I could say that you sicken me, but that's giving you too much influence over me.

Jerry Springer

On the other hand, I have a fair amount of respect for you, Jerry. You don't pretend to be anything other than what you are. You even have a sense of humor about it. Unlike all of your "betters" who have gone on to be "serious" and "reputable" journalists, you continue to be what you are. I don't really approve of your show, because it takes advantage of people and panders to the public's appetite for stupid television, but no one is making them watch, and you don't pretend to have any deep charitable bushwah.

Network News Programs

Network news falls into three categories: daytime, prime time, and extras. They are all universally crap. They manufacture the news. I'm not talking about some Big-Brother-esque conspiracy; there is literally not enough news to fill all of the time spent on it, at least not news which people are interested in hearing, so the networks make stories longer, or bigger than they really are, or whatever. And the reporting is crap too. Moving Katie Couric to prime time really doesn't change her position at all; she was an anchor before, and she continues so to be. And stop reporting on reporting.

And now for ten seconds of sex.

All right, you can stop counting. Thank God for Monty Python.