Montage

Rather than potpourri, today we'll have a montage, because it's mostly all about the same type of thing. I'm also feeling filmic rather than jeopardized. If you don't get the joke, welcome to the club. I'm usually funnier. No, that's a lie. I'm just sick.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy very similar to this one, I went to Catholic school. As a part of my graduation requirements, I had to take Religion class every year (big surprise there, I'm sure). Therein, I was told that it is a Mortal Sin to break any of the Ten Commandments.

Now I'm not Catholic, so for those of you who are and who have forgotten, sins fall into two categories in Catholicism: venial and Mortal (I'm going to continue to capitalize Mortal Sin because it's fun; I'm tempted to put it in bold or a different color or something). If you die with an unconfessed sin, if it's venial you go to Purgatory and sweat it out for a while, then straight on to Heaven, but if it's Mortal, straight to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Understand, I'm not a Catholic theologian and they've wimpy-fied the rules somewhat, but that's the way it used to be.

Now the Ten Commandments are very popular despite the fact that no one seems to know what all of them are, largely due to the fact that different religions, and even different translations of the text, put the Commandments in different orders and leave out bits (or, if you'd rather, add on bits). We all know "Thou shalt not..." and then it starts to get a bit hazy. Graven images feature, of that you can be sure.

Aside from the fact that the Big 10 aren't set in stone (contrary to Cecil B. DeMille), it's hard to argue with some of them. Murder - out; adultery - out. Theft is only a mortal sin if it's over a certain amount, I'm led to understand, but it's probably a good idea not to do it at all. Bearing false witness doesn't mean lying; it just means lying when asked to bear true witness, as in a court case. So perjury is out, but as far as lying goes, lie away, the good book says nothing on the subject (in the Ten Commandments, mind).

Now we get to the tricky ones. Honor your parents: good idea. What is honoring your parents? Ask someone else. Hard to call Mortal Sin on not taking the trash out like your mother asked you to. Do not covet: most people have no real idea what the Hell "covet" means anyway. There's a lot of baggage there. The Catholics distinguish between sins of thought and sins of deed, so simply coveting seems a bit penny-ante for a Mortal Sin. But I'm not the man in charge (and I don't mean God, I mean the Pope).

No other gods before me? Well, if you worship other gods before the one writing the commandments, it seems like you probably aren't that worried about the distinction between venial and Mortal sins. Next.

Honor the Sabbath Day. Lord help us all. Which day is it? Can we eat meat, or do we eat tuna during Lent? The Catholics aren't really together on this one either. Tough to call a Capital M.

And now, the one I really wanted to talk about. Our Religion teacher claimed that taking the Lord's name in vain is a Mortal Sin. Straight to Hell if you say, "Jesus Christ!" right before the bus hits you. By extension, she posited that any cursing was Mortal. So even just shouting, "Oh shi..." before you fall off the cliff is out.

Now I know it's not true. I'm pretty sure that Catholics should all know it's not true. Swearing is not a Mortal Sin (for those Catholics in the audience, the appropriate response is not, "Hell yeah!" but rather, "Thanks be to God."). But I'm not Catholic, so why do I care?

Because it hearkens back to the days of the Cult of JHVH, I Am That Am, Jaweh, Jehovah, whatever you want. You can't say God's name because it has great power. In fact, all written words have great power; translating the Big Ten from the original Hebrew is a big no-no, in the Cult of Etc. Catholics would like to appropriate a little of this mystical foohah, I think.

But God is not a demon to be summoned and controlled through the use of his true name. And if God's true name is "God" then our universe is significantly more stupid than even I cynically believe. Catholic God has more important things to do with his time than listen in to make sure Catholics aren't using a word to refer to a divine power in vain. Give me a break.

And lastly, just what is, "in vain?" I think if you get hit by a bus, saying, "My freaking God!" is a perfectly acceptable use. Maybe it's a prayer. It's not in vain. If you just say, "God damn it," all the time, well, if you're a Catholic, maybe you should investigate other exclamations.

As I said at the outset, I'm not Catholic, so I don't really care. But I know that it's not a Mortal Sin to take the Lord's name in vain, and it is a Mortal Sin to do many things which don't come up in the Ten Commandments. So to my old Religion teacher: you're an idiot. Thank you.