People Should Take Themselves Less Seriously

The title pretty much says it all, doesn't it. Yes, people really should. Following are some people and my not-terribly-serious views.

Donald Trump

I remember when you had your brain put into Bill the Cat's body in Bloom County. I remember that you didn't think much of that. Frankly, I don't think much of you, and while your hair is your business and I don't really care, it's ugly. Calling yourself "The Donald" seems to be catching on with most sycophantic news media outlets, who are taking you terribly seriously these days, but it's crap. Shut up.

Rosie O'Donnell

I didn't think your name was spelled "O'Donald" but I had to look it up. I don't care if you're fat or not, or ugly or not. People really ought to stop criticizing you for your appearance just because you are a woman. They should be criticizing you for being on The View because that show stinks out loud. You're kind of annoying, and that would be true even if you were the most attractive person on the planet.

Kelly Ripa

You are a walking corpse, a horrifying lich-queen of daytime talk-shows. I can't tell whether you haven't aged well or what, but seriously, you need to get someone else to give you style advice. Regis is prettier than you. I don't say this because you are a woman. I say this because you look like hell.

Isaiah Washington

Actually, this is addressed to the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy. I'm tired of you. You are not really doctors. I don't think that much of doctors, so that puts you mighty low on the totem pole. McDreamy, McSteamy, McShut the hell up. Mr. Washington, I don't know anything about you, and frankly, I'd like to keep it that way. If you have gone this far in the entertainment industry without revealing your homophobia, what the hell made you start now? Success? Drinking? Shut up.

Mel Gibson and Michael Richards

Ditto. Mel, you made a few decent movies, but you're really not a great director, and you're not a great actor, just a movie star. Michael, Seinfeld is universally proclaimed as great television, but it's only television, and I don't really think it's even great television. I'm sure people will probably forget that you're both racist assholes, and if they don't, what of it? Maybe they'll remember the racism and forget that you're merely mediocre celebrities who will undoubtedly pass from national consciousness soon enough.

Kevin Federline

Pass.

Britney Spears

You could at least have spelled your name Brittany so it would have had vague historical significance.

Eminem

What a fizzle. Does it make you sad late at night to know that you just aren't shocking any more?

Marilyn Manson

Ditto.

I think that's enough people for the moment. Maybe I'll do another some other time.