People Should Get a Life

Well, this list could consist of everyone on Earth, really, including yours truly. Okay everyone, get a damn life. I find myself cursing more as my sleep level drops. Nevertheless, here are some people in particular.

Football Fans

I enjoy a good game of football. It is not, however, the Second Coming of Christ, nor is it worth destroying your marriage and/or life simply to see a game featuring two teams in which you have no interest. It's just a game, and while it can be an enjoyable game to watch, nine months of the year do not need to be spent doing nothing on weekends but watching it. Ah, who am I kidding, there's some kind of football on 24/7 now in the land of cable tomorrow.

Baseball Fans

The game is boring as hell. Sorry, those are the breaks. I guess I can see enjoying it as a minor diversion, but then all the stuff I said to football fans applies. Any game that requires a calculator to enjoy is probably a game which shouldn't be televised. And Red Sox fans, get over yourselves. We're tired of hearing about it. Sure, the Yankees have the money to purchase every single player in baseball and put them all on the field at once, but that's less of an insult to you personally and more of an indication that some kind of regulatory body should probably step in.

Basketball Fans

See Football Fans, and then see yourselves out the damn door. I'm tired of hearing about it. Basketball is boring in a completely different way than baseball, but that doesn't make it any less boring.

Hockey Fans

I wish they still let the players fight on the ice. I remember in the distant past playing a video game where you could do that, and it was the only part I was any good at, or enjoyed at all.

Soccer Fans

Some day, you will get the Americans to change the name to football like everyone else in the world, but that day will be a long time coming. You are infinitely more crazy than people give you credit for, and that's a point in your favor, I feel. But I still can't summon up a lot of passion about it. Live soccer kicks the ass out of any other sport as a spectator, but only because the fans are insane.

Cricket Fans

Right.

College Sports Fans

Give it up. It's not more interesting than professional sports. It's not more pure. If you want purity in sports, you've come to the wrong place. What you do get is slightly less experienced players who are payed slightly less, suck the life out of academics at college, and populate more teams than you can shake a stick at. Seriously, what's with the teams? There are too many of them in any given sport, and multiply that by several hundred different sports and you've got a problem.

High School Sports Fans

I didn't realize this type of person existed, but sadly they do. If your child is not actively playing on the field, you need to leave. Right now.

I know I was brutal back there, but it's for their own good.