Signs Point to Yes

If you drive a flashy red sports car, there's a fair chance that you are an asshole. I'm using the coarse term because, let's be frank, that's what you are. There's no real reason to drive a flashy red sports car, unless you like talking to police officers. They're more likely to pull you over, you know? You did? Then why the hell do you drive that flashy red sports car?

If you drive that car and you violate basic traffic laws, you are definitely an asshole. There is no maybe this time. You are an asshole if you drive that flashy red sports car too fast and pass people on the right while swerving around them at breakneck speed. If you don't stop at stop signs with your flashy red sports car, you are definitely on the list. What list? The list of people who are assholes.

Where do you have to go, anyway? I mean, I'm not always the staunchest follower of traffic regulations, but, and this is the kicker, I don't drive a flashy red sports car. You do. Are you in a hurry to get to the hospital where you're planning to read to children with cancer? Well, you should have taken a different car, because you're still an asshole. Most likely, though, you're in a hurry because you're an asshole, and you're always in a hurry. Slow down, asshole!

And the worst thing about this is that you are probably proud of your flashy red sports car. You're not always a man, so I won't say it's just penis envy. You might be a woman with a flashy red sports car, and you probably picked the color to go with your nails. Why? Because you're an asshole.

I make this pronouncement not because someone in a flashy red sports car did something bad to me, but because it's just obvious. I promise, I will not swear as much next time. Probably.