People Think They're Sexy

Actually, people think other people are sexy, but that's neither here nor there. I suppose there are also a fair number of people who think themselves sexy, but I'm actually not dwelling on narcissism.

Jack Black

Honestly, I don't see it. Especially all scruffy-looking as you appear these days. It's probably a combination of humor and complete lack of shame. I don't think it works on everyone. But obviously it works on someone, which is why you aren't just funny.

Adam Sandler

Jeez, ditto with a capital D. You're more vulnerable than Jack Black is, but I don't really understand why that works for you or anyone else.

Tom Cruise

Katie, even though you're Catholic, you can't be that Catholic, since you married him in a Scientological ceremony and had sex before you did it. So for God's sake, get a divorce and get out. He's rapidly turning from inexplicably attractive (and I never really saw that) to just inexplicable.

Katie Holmes

You are fairly attractive, but I'm missing a certain amount of sex appeal. "Smoldering" is not the first word which comes to mind when I see you.

Janet Jackson

Next.

The Rest of the Jacksons

Next.

Johnny Depp

Damn.

Kiera Knightly

When you aren't greasy, or covered in far too much makeup, very nice. When you are, what are you thinking? Or what are they thinking for making you do it? Or both.

Kevin Spacey

I once said, offhand, that you were the only man with whom I would ever have sex, if I had to have sex with any man. Given the way the country is going, I doubt that forced homosexuality is likely in the near future, and it's possible that I might have to choose another option if you get too long in the tooth before that day arrives. But I never said that because I thought you were attractive. I said that because I had to give an answer to one of those stupid hypothetical questions, and this particular one has stuck with me.

I think that's just about enough of that. Since all I really wanted to do was question people's judgement on Jack Black's attractiveness, I don't know why I felt the need to tell the world about my forced-homosexuality options. I'm sure that question has been bandied about by almost everyone, and I think my answer is as good as any. Unless, of course, you happened to be a woman, in which case the whole thing kind of goes out the window. For the record, if I had to be a lesbian with someone, it would not be Kevin Spacey.