There Oughta Be a Tax

As surprising as this might be, I don't remember a time when the Federal income tax didn't exist. I venture to guess that the same can be said for the vast majority of Americans (a terribly condescending distinction for people of the United States, but the only one I have available to me). And before that, there were still taxes. Death and taxes, that's what is supposed to be certain in life. I could add a few items to the list, and if you make a small enough amount of money, taxes can be removed, but someone will be paying taxes somewhere, always.

There are many arguments about taxes. Should we tax the living shit out of the rich and run the risk of destroying our economy and turning into a Communist state where hard work is not rewarded? I point to the disparate records of taxation amassed by Ronald Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower (both Republicans) for the answer to that question (feel free to look it up if you're interested). Should there be a flat tax? Probably not. Should the IRS legally be allowed to put electrodes up your... no, wait, that's not really up for argument, since they'll do it regardless.

My modest proposal to address some issues is an Un-Earned Income Tax. It's not simple, but let me explain it anyway. If you don't earn money, the government gets to tax the hell out of it. Some examples:

1. Interest: oh baby, we're going to tax that.
2. Inheritance: bring on the death tax, Grandpa, because your kids sure didn't earn that money. We won't tax it if you spend it, but when you leave it to them, ka-ching!
3. Gifts: you'd better believe we're going to tax them.
4. Stock Market Dividends: did you grow those pork bellies? I didn't think so. Tax 'em.
5. Investments: are you working for the company? No. Taxation without reservation, mi amigo.
6. Gambling/Game Show Prizes: playing a game/going on TV is not earning money. Better start filling out the forms.
7. Counterfeit Money: well, you made that money, so we won't tax it, but we will be sending Treasury Bureau agents to your home if you use this as a tax dodge.

I think you see where this is going. The problem I see is that, unlike the iron hand of yours truly which could state once and for all what will and will not be taxed, the government seems to exist to create loopholes for rich and/or powerful people, not to mention the fact that, if they can't get it together to vote on a non-binding resolution, figuring out just exactly what will and will not be taxed will probably take them, conservatively estimated, until the end of time. This is, of course, why other needed changes to various laws haven't been made. You can blame this cause for practically any problem you might have with the government. It's convenient that way.

If I ever become rich (possibly through counterfeit money or marrying a billionaire) I would like to believe that I wouldn't mind giving up some of my money to pay for things that other people need. I would like to think that my progressive and near-Communist views on taxation would remain the same if they threatened my own cash lump. But I would probably become bloated and awful just like all other rich people. However, I would not spend my money on stupid things. Which brings me to my second tax solution: the Spending Your Money on Stupid Things Tax. Again, this tax would fare better under the ruthless (but benevolent) dictatorship of yours truly.